Swimming Across America

Thanks, Brian. Yes, I’m now making the final preparations for the astounding feat and I will, in fact, be using my astounding feet (ha ha) as the chief means of propulsion to accomplish my incredible publicity stunt designed to astonish and amaze. For I plan on April 9th to don my special astonishing slash amazing uniform, take my position in the Portland Maine Municipal Starting Blocks, and proceed to swim across the United States of America.

The plan is to begin in Maine, swim down New England following the I-95 corridor, picking up I-70 near Baltimore, and swimming west. This leg is where I’ll run into some difficult terrain in the form of the Appalachian mountains. My coaching team has been working with me and we’ve developed a pretty good technique for swimming up a mountain and back down the other side, so I think I’ll be able to cross them in just a few weeks. Then it’s smooth ground straight until St Louis.

Now, St Louis is where I will find the biggest challenge of swimming across the United States of America: water. There’s a large river called the Mississippi that runs north to south in that area and from what I understand it’s a pretty difficult thing to avoid. My coaching team and I considered altering the route to go around the Mississippi, but that would take me into Canada, which the brand team pointed out is not technically part of the old United S of A, and some of the public might take issue with a more internationalist course. Fortunately, it’s very broad and at times quite shallow, so I’ve checked with the judges and they’ve approved my request to at this point take a brief respite from swimming and wade across one of the shallower parts of the Old Miss, fighting off sharks and hippopotamuses and Ohio-class nuclear-powered ballistic missile submarines, heroically coming ashore in the western two-thirds of the country and resuming the great swim.

From that point, it’s considerably less dramatic the rest of the way to California. I’ve been swimming through cornfields and soy fields and wheat fields for sixteen years to prepare for this feat, so the journey shouldn’t be too much of a problem until I hit the Rockies. These have the same general triangular shape as the Appalachians, so that shouldn’t be too difficult. However, right after the Rockies comes an area known as Monument Valley. Now, unlike the Appalachians and the Rockies, which are more gradual in their slope, Monument Valley is more uppy-downey. It’s a flat sort of area with some straight up-and-down buttes dotting the landscape here and there. It will be a challenge since I haven’t swam straight up before as it defies gravity as well as the will of God, but I’m always willing to give something a try. Of course, once I reach the summit of each butte, it’s hundreds of feet straight down again, which makes for rough swimming, but I believe in my coaches and they’ve assured me that I can handle plowing through sandstone with only minimal psychological damage.

And from there, it’s a straight shot through the desert and the Sierra Nevadas to Oakland. At this point, I will plan on taking a BART train across the Bay as I’ve never actually swam through water and I don’t have time to learn how before the big event. This alteration didn’t need the judges’ approval as I will be swimming across the seats while on the train. I will emerge from the train at the Embarcadero station, swim up to the street, and make my way across the city until I reach the Golden Gate Bridge.

Now, some people have asked me why I’m doing this. It is in fact an effort to raise money for research into the cause of gun violence. The current research indicates that it’s most commonly from the bullet aspect of the gun violence scenario, but we would like to replicate those results as many times as possible, preferably next door the next time they’re having one of their midnight dance parties. Thanks to my online network of donors I have raised enough money for this effort to pay for the food I will require for the first three weeks of this seventeen-year endeavor. If you’d like to contribute, please go to fatuous-imbecile.biz and click on Donate. Thanks, Brian.


You ever notice how people only see what they wanna see? And you can be jumpin’ up and down and yelling the truth right in people’s face, but they just see what they wanna see, you know? I was saying this to Mickey in HR the other day, trying to ease into it gradual-like, but he started talking about the mainstream media and alternate voices and all that, so I just gave up. I’ll try again some other time.

Hmm. I guess before I get too far ahead of myself I should probably mention, I’m a gorilla.

Now there isn’t any law or regulation or anything that says you can’t hire a gorilla, so I don’t think anyone’s gonna get in trouble, but I’m still a little nervous about coming out, so to speak. I’ve tried dropping hints like leaving my lunchbox sitting open so you could see it’s full of leaves or putting a photo on my desk with me and my folks on vacation with my much smaller human wife and her parents. Seems to me the difference is pretty clear, but no one seems to notice. They just ask me how I liked Aruba. It was nice! Not humid like you’d think.

My wife asks me, “Why don’t you just go in and tell them you’re a gorilla?” She doesn’t get it. It’s not as simple as that. I’ve been there for four years and everyone just assumed I’m a human. If I go in and say I’m a whole ‘nother genus, let alone species, they’re liable to get upset, like I was trying to deceive them or something. They’ll say I was lying by omission, but it’s not like there’s a box on the insurance forms where you check off human, gorilla, chimpanzee, or bonobo.

It also might affect Larry in shipping. He’s a gorilla, too, but he’s still pretty jungle, you know? Good at lifting stuff, but never really cracked a book. If I start talking about gorilla stuff, they might point at him and say gorillas are too dangerous and unrefined and whatnot. You can say we’re 98% genetically similar til you’re blue in the face, but it’s there, you know? They’re not actively bigoted against gorillas, but I think it’s in the back of their heads somewhere.

They sometimes make comments about bananas or something. I don’t think they mean to; I think it’s subconcious-like. Still bums me out, though. I mean, I’m working late trying to finish up some CL reports and someone asks me outta nowhere if I know sign language. It ain’t cool. I oughta just tell ’em and put it out in the open.

That’s what I’ll do. We got a planning session tomorrow and I’m gonna stand up and tell ’em that they’re working with a gorilla and that’s okay. And if they try any of that species-ist stuff about Larry, I’ll say yep, AND he’s the one who’s been embezzling the last two years. Gorilla or not, I’m not losing my Aruba money for that lummox.