This Old Dump

Hello! And welcome to “This Old Dump”. I’m your host, master carpenter Bob Ourman. This week, we’re restoring a charming 1920s ranch home to its original design and upgrading it with a second and third story, a finished basement, a wraparound porch, four corner turrets, an elaborate fountain installation, and my signature addition of a life-sized, hand-carved oak recreation of the Battle of Waterloo. So let’s get started!

Now as you can see, this home has a lot of curb appeal. It certainly curbs mine, so let’s skip the front and head on in.

As we step inside, there’s a lot to admire right away. We’ve added a beautiful 300-year-old Persian rug. And here’s an original Louis XIV bench and you can see the ivory and tortoise shell marquetry. If you look up there’s a breathtaking crystal chandelier. And as you came in you saw the intricate, one of a kind Faberge doorknobs. This is easily in the top ten mudrooms we’ve done this season. Oh, say, Harry? The nails go in pointy side first. There ya go.

Now, as we come through the hallway and into the family room, take a look at the windows. They’re entirely stained glass. Ooh, yeah. That’ll never come out. We’ve got the 273-inch reclining sofa with the optional inter-cushion vacuum system that filters out the crumbs and leaves the change. And up here is the 195-inch TV that moves from side to side so you don’t strain your neck watching tennis.

Say, Harry? The rug goes UNDER the furniture. Right. Good.

We’re down in the kitchen and it’s fairly consistent for the modern exurban style. We’ve put in lead-lined cabinets so the china and canned goods aren’t visible to any passing superheroes and we’ve updated the appliances to the new gas-electric hybrid style. In this new type of oven, you set the food inside, select the desired temperature, turn on the gas, and when you flip the switch, the oven explodes with the precise heat and velocity required to cook the food as directed.

We’ve also added an island, specifically one of the smaller ones from the Bahamas, so the homeowners will have a steady supply of onions, okra, tomatoes, oranges, grapefruit, cucumbers, sugar cane, lemons, limes, and sweet potatoes. If you’d like to learn more about the Bahamas, consult your local office of the Bahamian Tourism Board.

Oh, hey, Harry. Whatcha got there? Ooh. No, no. The water gets hooked up to the sink. The gas goes to the oven. Got it? Alright.

And before we leave the kitchen, we’re actually not allowed to broadcast a show about houses without installing a deep farmhouse sink, a new tiled backsplash, and granite countertops. This sink is a little special as we’ve replaced with faucet with a cherub-shaped fountain that spits the water onto whatever you’re rinsing. Aw, his little buns are showing. That’s adorable. Let’s go upstairs.

In here is the master bedroom. It’s got the classic 50s television twin bed setup complete with twins. Hi, Jeremy. Hi, Albert. These twin brothers were specially genetically designed to thrive in this exact house. They’ll require home schooling, a diet consisting solely of food grown within two miles of the house, and jobs that don’t require them to leave the home. So I hope the homeowners will like them. Otherwise it will quite an unpleasant life for everyone. Anyway, let’s come through to the master bathroom.

We’ve made a few upgrades here with a marble floor, the gilded toilet seat, and this beautiful antique tub. It’s an old claw foot tub, which has a lot of character. Unfortunately, it was small and stupid looking. So we cut it into fourths and added an acrylic bathtub liner material to in the middle of each side to make it four feet wider and eight feet longer. It’s a plain white, too, to try and class up the faded cream color of the original.

And if you look here on the quintuple sink you’ll see we’ve repurposed a stainless steel cocktail shaker to now be used as a toothbrush holder. We’ve also got a miniature brass cuspidor or spittoon to collect finger- and toenail clippings. There’s a small ornate Grecian-style altar on which to burn the hair they pull from their hairbrush and a beautiful series of snowglobes prefilled with water and tiny models of peaceful alpine villages in them that they can put the dead skin they file off their calluses into so they can be a part of these lovely wintry scenes.

Oh, Harry. The mirror goes with the reflective side away from the wall. See? That’s better.

Let’s go up to the attic.

Something that’s really popular these days is finding your family history. Whether it’s taking a DNA test to see where your ancestors came from or filling out an online family tree, white people LOVE that stuff. So we decided to make that the theme of the attic: family history. Unfortunately, the owners of this home have a dreary, boring family, so we’ve brought in another family’s memories to make it a little more interesting.

Here’s a foot locker that someone’s grandfather used in the Korean War. And here’s an old wedding gown we found at the Goodwill that can be their mother’s. Hmm, well, let’s say aunt’s.

“Attica! Attica!”

Harry, go back in the bedroom.

“Okay. Bedrooma! Bedrooma!”

This is a special item that we’re really excited about. It’s going to be their great-great-grandfather’s locket with a portrait of their great-great-grandmother in it that he took to France in World War I. It’s amazing the kind of stuff you can find at garage sales. For two bucks this family got a family story filled with tragedy or romance or however they want to fill in those blanks. Let’s go to the basement.

We’re trying something new with this house and putting the basement on the roof. It’s a real time saver because with this special space-time polymer duct work that we’ve you can now go downstairs and end up in the attic or go upstairs to get to the basement. Heck, you can even dive into the pool and land on the couch. And This Old Dump branded wormhole ducts are available at all fine hardware stores.

Which brings us out to the backyard. We’ve taken out the dreary old hedge maze and put in a 300-meter swimming pool in the shape of Albuquerque, with eleven smaller pools on its perimeter as the homeowner’s favorite number is 36, which is too many pools to add so we made it eleven.

And if you look over here, we’ve put in a large gazebo with a smaller gazebo inside of it. That way if you find yourself under the gazebo and not feeling like life has been heightened to its fullest potential, you can go under the smaller gazebo and–

[SFX: giant crash with some glass shattering]

Oh my gosh, we forget the walls!

Bad Show #174: DRACLANTIS

EXT. OCEAN FLOOR JUST OUTSIDE ATLANTIS – NIGHT

Cold open on HARRY and PIERCE (two members of VAMP SQUAD SIX) fighting an AGENT OF S.T.A.K.E. They have black eyes. (NOTE: Their eyes are black like a shark’s when they are in full vampire battle mode.)

After some struggle, the Agent of S.T.A.K.E. kicks Harry. Harry floats out of the fight. He falls and his eyes turn from black to blue and dreamy. He watches the rest of the fight, frightened.

Pierce overpowers the AGENT and holds him in a headlock. Pierce pulls off his GLOVE, revealing a LEECH-LIKE MOUTH on his palm. Pierce puts his hand on the agent and drinks his blood.

Pierce swims away, leaving the AGENT’S BODY to float slowly down. A cloud of BLOOD floats out of the body. Pierce speaks as he swims past Harry.

PIERCE
Go on. Get yours, Harry. I left you some.

Harry swims over to the BODY dejectedly. He removes his GLOVE and drinks blood with it as Pierce did.

INT. DRACADEMY HALLS – LATER

HARRY puts a notebook in his LOCKER. PIERCE quickly swims up to him and slams the LOCKER.

PIERCE
What exactly was that back there?

HARRY
I…I froze. It won’t happen again.

PIERCE
It’d better not. If you’re gonna be one of the Vamp Squad
Six, then you need to step it up. If you can’t support your
fellow agents, we’ll gift wrap you and send you over to
S.T.A.K.E.
(Immediately softens)
Hey, I know what you’re going through. If Colonel Draquala
hadn’t sent Sanguina into the field, she’d still be alive. I
mean, she was your girlfriend, bro.

Pierce’s watch flashes. He looks at it.

PIERCE
Speak of the devil. I’ve got to see Draquala now.

Pierce exits. Harry lingers at the lockers.

EXT. DRACADEMY DORMITORY – EVENING

Flashback to SANGUINA and HARRY in front of the Dracademy dorm.

SANGUINA
It’s okay, Harry. It’s an in-and-out rescue mission.
I’ll be back and debriefed in a couple of hours.

HARRY
I don’t know, Sanguina. I’ve got a bad feeling about this one.

SANGUINA
You worry too much, tiger shark.

She kisses him.

SANGUINA
I guess that’s why I like ya.

INT. DRACADEMY HALLS

Cut back to HARRY reflecting. (NOTE: Not literally! They can’t cast reflections.) Harry sets his jaw and pulls out his PHONE. He types something we can’t see.

Cut to a shot of the phone screen. We see a TEXT MESSAGE to DIRK that says “Tonight’s the night. Draquala’s going down!”

Cut back to Harry. His eyes turn black. (NOTE: Their eyes are black like a shark’s when they are in full vampire battle mode.)

END ACT 1