Mia, Carl, Frankenstein, and the monkey that they kept around despite her not, in fact, being the fabled Monkey King Sun Wukong gathered in the parking lot of the Big City 2386th Street jail. “Where’s Kathryn?” asked Carl.
With the impeccable timing of a fictional story, Kathryn approached the team at that exact moment! Isn’t that exciting? What are the odds? I mean, seriously. If you factor in the timing of the traffic sig– Hmm? Oh. Right. Sorry.
Kathryn approached the team. She was embarrassed and then immediately furious. “Why didn’t anyone tell me we weren’t doing this in uniform? You know I hate my boobs flopping out of this stupid thing.”
“Okay,” Mia said. “We all know the plan, right? Kathryn, you go in and distract the guards with your, um, yeah. After they’re nice and drooly, the lights will go out and you take the keys. Then we come in as backup and keep them occupied while you free Dwayne. ”
“For the record, this plan sucks,” Carl said.
“I know, but you all lied about having powers so it’s this or no team. Got it, everyone?”
They all said “Yeah” in unison like some stupid 80s Saturday morning cartoon. They might as well have put their hands in the middle and said, “Go Redressers!” Yeesh.
Kathryn made her way to the entrance and Carl crouched down next to the monkey. “Okay, Sun Wukong, listen closely. I’m going to pick you up and put you in that air duct over there. Your job is to get to the security desk and– Hey! Hey, come back!”
Since it was the first time she had been outside in weeks, the monkey they insisted on calling Sun Wukong saw an opportunity to escape and took it. She scampered off at top speed for over half a mile before crawling into a cardboard box and taking a nap. Later that night she would wander behind a grocery store and find a dumpster full of delicious produce that was mostly edible. It was the first night of the rest of her happy, fulfilling life. Bye, little monkey! Good luck! I love you!
Carl watched her run away. “Crap. Uhhhh, okay, plan B. Mia, you’re an engineer, right? Can you disable the security system?”
“Oh yeah, of course,” Mia said. “I’m sure you have the manufacturer, the model, and all the specs of this building handy, right? No? You don’t? That’s okay, because I can just ‘hack’ it like in movies, right? Let me get out my laptop and password-cracking software and I’ll get us in, right? Idiot.”
Mia let out an exasperated sigh and thought for a moment. “Vic, come with me.”
“What do I do?” asked Carl.
“Stick with the plan. When the lights go out, go in and help Kathryn. We’ll be right behind you.”
Mia and Frankenstein walked around the building until they found the building’s power supply. A transformer sat behind a locked chain link fence.
“Okay, Vic. We need to get in and basically destroy that round thing.”
“I know what a transformer is. It bumps the voltage up or down for a neighborhood, office building, or similar pull on the power grid.”
“Ooh, someone has Wikipedia.”
“Actually, Dan’s dad is an electrician and taught him that when he was like eight.”
“Um, nothing! Let’s break this thing, huh?”
Frankenstein ripped the fence apart and stomped at the transformer with all his might. It exploded in a shower of sparks and the jail went dark.
“Arrgh!” Frankenstein yelled. “Fire bad! Rarrr! Ha ha, just kidding.”
Inside, Kathryn realized they had made a slight miscalculation going into this little escapade. Of the three guards on duty at the moment, two of them were women. She tried using her feminine wiles anyway — you never know — but the female guards quickly got wise to her scheme.
“You can cut the crap now, lady,” said Sheila the Guard With a Full and Personalized Backstory. “I’ve got to finish an essay tonight since I’m attending college part time to get my degree and pursue my career goals and I don’t have any time for your nonsense.”
Just then, the lights went out. Carl ran in and crashed into Kathryn. He got up and shouted, “What are you doing? You’re supposed to be shaking your boobs at the guards!”
“Ixnay on the oobsbay!”
Before Kathryn could respond, three 20 million billion-candlepower flashlights were shining on their faces.
“Don’t move,” said– guess. Go on, guess.
Did you guess yet? Okay, let’s see if you’re right.
Said Louise, the other female guard. (Were you right? Good job!) “We’ve got tasers and guns and this job is super boring so we’ll light you up and post it on cooljailvids.net if you try anything.”
Louise covered them as Sheila and the unnamed male guard who doesn’t get any lines (take THAT, patriarchy!) put on the handcuffs. Mia and Frankenstein then burst in and all three guards pointed their guns at them.
“Aw, crap,” said Mia.
Dwayne perked up as Louise locked the rest of the Redressers in the cell and walked away. “Great! You came for me! So, what’s the plan?”
He looked from face to face. The others looked away.
“This is part of the plan, right?”
Nobody made eye contact for three weeks.
~ Five Months Later ~
Dwayne was led back to the cell. He was beaming. “Guys! I’m out! I’m going home!”
“What?” Mia asked. “How is that possible?”
“My trial ended. The judge let me off with five months, time served.”
“But you conspired to burn down your store and commit insurance fraud,” Carl said.
“Right,” Dwayne said as he picked up his couple of belongings. “White collar crime. Fraud is all money stuff and conspiracy is practically Wall Street! Good luck, everyone. Peace!”
“Wait,” Kathryn said. “Are you gonna come back to help us? Or hire some lawyers? Or anything?”
Dwayne grimaced. “Ah. Right. Well, the terms of my release bar me from having any contact with you guys, including providing legal aid.”
“So you’re saying you’re leaving and we’re stuck here for another ten months until our trial?” asked Frankenstein.
“Um, yes. Sorry about the whole inequality thing. I was talking to the judge and he was saying how you guys are in for property damage and attempted jailbreak and those are pretty lower class, so your trial isn’t that high a priority.”
“Time out,” Mia said. “You were just chilling out with the judge?”
“Oh. Yeah. White collar defendants get access to the lounge.”
Kathryn shook her head. “Courts have lounges?”
“Yeah. It’s like airports. Fraud and conspiracy are practically first class diamond club.”
He realized he sounded a little too exuberant. “I tried to get you in, but they wouldn’t let me,” he lied. “On the upside, a few months in jail is going to add a powerful new level of complexity and pathos to my seminars!”
Mia, Carl, Kathryn, and Frankenstein were stunned, mouths agape. “Well,” Dwayne said, “I guess this is goodbye.”
He started towards the exit as the unnamed male guard locked the cell.
“But you’ll come back for our trial, right?” Carl asked.
“Can’t hear you! Too far away! Sorry!”
They would never saw him again. They assumed. And so should you. Seriously, what a jerk.